You've Got Male
It's Valentine's Day: whose severed heart did you present to your significant other to show them your love? Or if you have an unsignificant other, whose severed liver did you present to them? Bear in mind that, according to many old religions, the liver was considered to be one of the centres for the human will or soul. So the liver is very much a viable secondary gift, in a pinch.
But for those of you grumbling about being single on such a glorious day being milked with both hands like the cash cow of love it is, here's something to consider: the ancient Romans had a very simple solution for you. Though it may not be so simple if the woman you snag is not as amicable with the idea as you are.
Once again, history repeats itself. Think about those reality TV shows of today, like
The Bachelor or
Mr. Personality or
Married By America. Inventive? Ingenius? Nope. Those wacky ancient Romans had the network executives and thinktanks beat by roughly eighteen hundred to two thousand years.
How, you ask? Well, on the day of the Lupercalia festival (remember the last little bit of nowhere? Slapping women and plants with goat hide? Very good.), as the legends go, the Romans would also have what could be construed as a lottery. Later on after the running of the goat hides, all the young women in the city would place their names in a big urn.
No, I don't know how big.
Anyhoo, you have all these names of eligible women sitting in this urn. The eligible bachelors in turn would then each choose a name out of the urn. And what of the lucky winners from that draw? Well, the eligible guy would be paired for the year with his chosen woman. Often these matches would end in marriage.
Note the use of the word 'often'. So if your name happened to get drawn by Leon the pig farmer, you might not be so cheery about spending the rest of year with him, let alone the rest of your life.
So to those of you who are decrying this day as cruel and unusual to singles everywhere; to those of you , consider this: alternatively, you could wake up February 15th, freshly slapped by strips of goat's hide and sleeping next to a complete stranger who drew your name in a marriage lottery the night before.
Come to think of it, this could very well describe the mornings after that some single people experience after getting absolutely smashed at a bar on Valentine's Day. I guess some things never do change as the centuries go by....
Today's Lesson: a piggie on the bookshelf is worth a dozen roses and a box of chocolates.
posted by Phillip at 5:32 PM
